Advice for College Presidents

Often I wonder how I got this job, that of full-time mommy, gentle and capable manager of home and hearth. A job for which I had zero preparation.

Most days I feel like an Army general who never went to basic training. Leading small, lower-ranking people who wholeheartedly put their trust in me, who believe I know exactly what I'm doing. I masquerade as one who is competent and ready, but worry that at any moment someone will properly examine my credentials and discover I'm a fraud.

As the Fake-General-Mommy, I frequently wonder how I got here.

How is it that none of my education covered anything I actually do in real life? How is it that I spent precious time and energy reading books and writing papers on things like European and American consumer culture and examining Western hegemony...yet most days I simply do not have a clue?

Perhaps colleges and universities need to revise their course offerings and graduation requirements.

Women's Studies should spend more time on how you feel like you're going to die when giving birth and less time on gender as a social construct. And speaking of construct, I will tell you something that can never be reconstructed: stretch marks. Where is the course on that?

General Education requirements should include topics like:

• The Big Bang Theory: What Happens When Two First-Born's Marry
• How Not to Panic When Your Child Asks You What Sex is in the Middle of Church
• How to Maintain June Cleaver-esque Composure During Hormonal Shifts
• How to Administer First-Aid Even if Blood and Vomit Make You Pass Out

I could have used those courses.

Instead of internships at law firms, students should have to live with real families {the ones with real children} and try to do it on their own for a week. Instead of Student-Teachers, "Student-Mommies."

Unless you can simultaneously drill multiplication facts while preparing a healthy dinner and answering questions like "Mommy, have you ever caught on fire?" while keeping your newly-potty-trained toddler from peeing on the couch {again,} you should not be able to graduate.

So for all of you college presidents who read my blog, one bit of advice: Humanities and Biology have their place. But your coffers will be full and overflowing if you can equip future alumni for the hardest job they will ever face: parenthood.

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The third and final post in the Making Do series coming soon...