The day I found out I was pregnant, I did not run to Baby Gap for a layette or call my mom or scribble down my emotions in a journal.
I went to the public library.
I checked out a mountain of books on pregnancy and babyhood and began studying.
Studying! Because I was pregnant.
I had stuff to learn, parenting philosophies to choose, decisions to make. To co-sleep or not to co-sleep? To feed on demand or to feed on a schedule? To deliver naturally or to have the epidural?
I was elated and exhausted when I brought Blondie home. I was also as confused as ever. I couldn't seem to find the solutions or philosophies that fit me or that fit my sleepless, intense baby. I felt as if I needed to belong to some sort of parenting camp and that I should be that mom all the way.
I never found my camp.
Blondie usually slept with me {when she slept at all.} She was sort of on a feeding schedule {except when she wasn't.} I held her when that made her happy and put her down with toys when she seemed tired of being held and I just knew that all of my inconsistency would ruin her.
As time went by I continued in my "studies." I kept reading books and continued to try and find my niche as a mama.
I remember asking my own mom whether she nursed on demand or on a schedule, whether she was more of an attachment parent or the opposite of that. She told me that she fed us when we were hungry and that she didn't really remember giving any of it a great deal of thought.
And then she lovingly told me that perhaps I was reading too many books.
I wondered how a woman as intelligent as my mother did not have a philosophy about these things.
She simply trusted her instincts.
Having raised four children from newborn to adulthood, she also had the gift of perspective. From her vantage point, babies simply needed love, food, and sleep. Why fret over all the rest?
I've been a mom now for nearly 11 years and I still feel like a novice. But thankfully a few things have crystallized for me recently. Had I not endured such a long period of fretfulness and insecurity, I certainly wouldn't be able to appreciate the relative clarity and {dare I say?} budding confidence that I have now.
Want to know the big secret?
Trust your instincts. Know that God created you to be the mama to the child or children He's blessed you with. Why wouldn't He equip you for the sacred role He designed you to fulfill?
Tomorrow I'll unpack this a bit more and share what this looks like in real life.
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