Friday, August 14, 2009

A Week of Wrong

A week of wallowing in wrong-doing, that's what it's been. Nothing earth-shattering or illegal. Just one of those days that turned into six in which I have violated the myriad commandments I set up for myself. A house of cards really. At 36, I should know that by now.

Nonetheless I painstakingly build it back up, time and again. And then I'll have a week of utter demolition, just to get the rebellion and laziness out of my system. Or maybe it's just the tiredness and melancholy settling into their familiar spaces. Sometimes I have the where-with-all to boot them out before they get comfy. And then there are the weeks like this one in which I've welcomed them in, fixed a round of drinks, and propped the ottoman under their feet.

Ate chocolate for breakfast on Monday and Thursday, which I rationalized was better than no breakfast at all, which is what happened on the other days.

Plucked away at my laptop during school hours (a big no-no) and then mistook their neglect as inattention and disobedience.

Taught the older two how to make coffee so they could serve me for a change...which they have done the past two mornings with great pride and delight, guilt washing over me as they gushed with goodwill and I with entitlement.

Gave Cupcake a half-eaten chocolate bar because he can now open drawers where I hide stuff {which I will likely never childproof} and lucky for him, I was having a weak moment.

Purposely did not set my alarm to get up and run because I knew I wouldn't feel like it and decided to just nip failure in the bud the night before. Better to end the day in failure than start that way, that's what I say.

Spent far too much time on the computer or in a book or chasing any mindless distraction instead of folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen...or cleaning anything at all.

Threw stuff in the trash out of pure laziness instead of nobly recycling it as usual.

Forgot to return DVD's to the library and now owe $21.20. Not an intentional crime but also not my first fine. I'm going to consider myself a philanthropist. The next Carnegie.

Haven't read to the kids before bedtime a single night.

That's the short list, just the stuff you can see and touch and not even all or the worst of it. The internal negligence and wanderings have been far more consequential.

And with every violation of "law," every personal failure, I am more and more filled with guilt and self-loathing. More and more aware that I am not so together. Not so good at being mommy. Not so supportive as a wife. Not worth much at all.

Disheartened and guilt-ridden, I crawl the One who bids me come. The One who does not let me stay in my seemingly-forsaken state forever. I find comfort and rest for today. I realize...again...that I am not the first to do what I do not want to do and to not do what I want to do.

I cling desperately, perspiring and the knowledge that I am wildly loved. "Not in spite of my sin and faults (that would not be total acceptance), but with them..." {Brennan Manning}

So I load up my brokenness and broken laws...again...and dump them in a heap at the foot of the One who can put me back together.

As He had done before. And is doing now. And will likely do again.


  1. My goodness. I think you and I had the same week. This is beautifully written, and a lovely reminder. Thank you.

  2. As a fellow law breaker, I know where you are coming from. And I say, how amazing to have The Carpenter for a bailbondsman!

  3. WE must be living the same life. Eloquently said!!

  4. I am here to confess to eating an over-abundance of delicious chocolate chip cookies today. I can't bring myself to actually count them up. This is my attempt at making you feel better. LOL I think it's probably a good idea that we both know the One who knows us oh-so-well and still loves us. Grace, sweetie, grace. :o)

  5. Amen!! :)

    I am also guilty of being a library philanthropist. I am nervous to hear how much I owe after my oldest's DVD was over a week late. Totally forgot about it!!!

  6. Wow. Yes, I find myself needing to repent over and over and over each day... not doing what I want to do, and doing what I don't want. Praise the Lord for His grace and mercy. Blessings!

  7. Oh - I have been there this week as well...climbing back to Him for His restoration.

  8. On page 158 of Abba's Child the author states:
    "The undwounded life bears no resemblence to the Rabbi." and on p. 159 "The reconciled heart says that everything that has happened to me had to happen to make me who I am - WITHOUT EXCEPTION."

    I pray that you are able to recognize and shoo away the Imposter this week.

    Love you bunches.

  9. Scooper,
    I love your writings. You articulate how one feels so well. I'm praying for all of us to seek the Master in all we do and give the boot to the deceiver.
    Thank you for this post.

  10. "Chocolate is better than no breakfast at all"

    I like that kind of thinking!

  11. Good glory, girl. Did you reach into my mind and my heart to write this post? I'm actually starting a 2-week blogging sabbatical tomorrow to address some of these exact issues.


    ps...It was such a thrill to meet you last weekend! I'm so glad that I can say that I know you in-person now.

  12. Wow. I was there last week, too. Thanks for this post.

  13. YES! a million times to this post.

    I know all this so well.

    Thanks Babe.

  14. Oh, I think they're going to name a whole wing after me at my library. That's how much I give.

    This has been my week, too. Weeks, maybe. Or hmmm, month. Thanks for reminding me that God doesn't have as hard a time forgiving me as I do. :)

  15. Not sure if it's sisterhood or forgiveness you're after, but isn't is absolutely unfathomable that you have BOTH!

    Love you (as you are) forever,

  16. I'm sending prayers & good thoughts your way!

    It can be so hard to stay on track - thinking the short term reward outweighs the long-term achievement [truly never the case!]

    I wish you the best and thank you for sharing as you've reached so many. I wanted to share a link with you that I listened to today that I found on "" - It's a great sound bite to remind us to see the positive within ourselves.

    The soundbite is on her site on the right column labeled "this is Joyce Meyer..."

    my best,

  17. I realize this was a post from quite a while back but I find myself at home today with a sick child and was searching for something to help me through those feelings you described absolutely perfectly. Your words, again, were drink to my soul. And what's even more comforting? To know I'm not the only mama out there who supports her local library with overdue fines, eats chocolate for breakfast more often than she cares to admit, and who struggles with days of melancholy and the mundane. There IS comfort in numbers.

    Love "Abba's Child" - have read it twice and I have it on my desk for 2012's bucket list of books to read.


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