Thursday, April 2, 2009

Tales from the Tired

Tired. Weary. Nothing to give. No energy to even get out of this chair and do what's on "the list." I'll be lucky if this post is even intelligible. 

I'm at that place again. Of having nothing. Of needing desperately to receive something

A holy whisper. A very real knowing that He is there. I'm desperate. I'll take anything...

But only if I can just sit and rest and receive. Because I'm tired (did I mention that?)

Children are a blessing. They are also exhausting. 

I am inspired by their energy, their curiosity, their laughter, their creativity. I am drained by their busyness, their questions, their noise, and their mess.

And while I've heard moms talk about how children and home-managing suck the spiritual life out of you (I've even read books about it), only now do I really and truly get it. I live it, more now than ever.

Only now do I get that there is virtually nothing left to give anyone else. Friends. Family. My precious and hard-working husband. God.

What I have left for Him is pathetic. Prayers tossed up in desperation...or out of obligation. Inconsistent and interrupted time in the Word. Random questions asked in the silent recesses of my troubled mind when I can't go to sleep.

He gets the leftovers. And the skepticism. And of course I feel guilty about that. 

I'm thankful that every day is not like this one. 

I do experience days of energy, renewal, and offering. Days that are bursting with His presence. Days of undeniable Truth. Days when my coffers are overflowing with good things to give. 

And I'm struck by the messed-up-ness of how I feel worthy and legitimate and lovely during days of generosity. And how I feel guilty and inadequate and less-than on the days of nothing.

I'm glad He sees me the same every day. And while I'm not to the place of living and thinking in light of that truth, I can grasp just enough of it to plunk it out on my keyboard. I can say it is true and I pray that my mind and soul will follow suit. 

Thinking the truth. Living the truth. That is Freedom. And that is where I want to be. And I am so not there yet...

But I am on my way, one teeny step at a time.

Today I need to receive, even though there is nothing to give. To anyone.

And before I could even finish my post, this promise came to me. A "holy whisper" if you will:

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

I guess God reads my blog...and He came through for me.


  1. Oh, how I wish you could assume that Brownie pose and be that completely zonked out . . . Without having to be concerned about who would look after those precious ones while you slept. You are the object of my prayers this afternoon and evening.

    PS Eat two handfuls of chocolate . . . or three!

  2. I can sooooo relate to your post. Thanks for putting in to words all that has been jumbled up in my head. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Isn't it funny that even in the "weary times" God is always there. Even though there are the day's that you describe above,may it give you a little comfort that you have a Aunt who prays for you. You have given me something to pray specifically for you each and every day.

    For you see,I have a list that I have made up of all the prayer requests that remind me of who and what to pray for, and it has gotten to be so long, that I pray someone out there is praying for me, cause I simply don't have the time sometimes to do it. Of course, you are on my list, but not until this very moment and this very blog have I known what to pray for you and that is..... My prayer for you my dear niece will be, may she find little moments in the day to say, "Thank you Lord, or may she find those moments as she is taking a shower to relieve the stresses of that particular day, because you know what is deep inside of her heart Lord, and you know that she longs for those God moments that she doesn't get in long intervals of time. I pray that she will be uplifted by simple words like, "Praise the Lord, Halluluah, etc."

    I love you in so many ways my dear Marian, and I lift you up as I sit with a patient tonight, for you have blessed me with your brokenness and your weariness. Sleep well, and pleasant dreams.

    Aunt Martha

  4. What a wonderful post...I am so glad i stumbled upon your blog today. Children are such blessing and they do wear us out at times. God gives us only that which we can handle. Have a lovely weekend and you've got another reader :)

  5. Oh how I would love to be there so you could curl up somewhere in a comfy chair, with silence all around, and absolutely no responsibility. I so admire you for all that you take on!! God will bless you many times over for what you have given of yourself for your family!! I will pray that God will give you rest and strength to carry on. Luv, Debbi

  6. I don't have children yet, but I understand the weariness that can come with ordinary life. And the wondering why we can't always feel filled up. I'm glad I read this post today, you are in my prayers tonight!

  7. What a great post. I've never thought about giving Heavenly Father my "left overs," but that is how it definitely feels like. You an inspiring.

  8. You've just described my life!! Thank you for sharing this...I needed it.


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