Tired. Weary. Nothing to give. No energy to even get out of this chair and do what's on "the list." I'll be lucky if this post is even intelligible.
I'm at that place again. Of having nothing. Of needing desperately to receive something.
A holy whisper. A very real knowing that He is there. I'm desperate. I'll take anything...
But only if I can just sit and rest and receive. Because I'm tired (did I mention that?)
Children are a blessing. They are also exhausting.
I am inspired by their energy, their curiosity, their laughter, their creativity. I am drained by their busyness, their questions, their noise, and their mess.
And while I've heard moms talk about how children and home-managing suck the spiritual life out of you (I've even read books about it), only now do I really and truly get it. I live it, more now than ever.
Only now do I get that there is virtually nothing left to give anyone else. Friends. Family. My precious and hard-working husband. God.
What I have left for Him is pathetic. Prayers tossed up in desperation...or out of obligation. Inconsistent and interrupted time in the Word. Random questions asked in the silent recesses of my troubled mind when I can't go to sleep.
He gets the leftovers. And the skepticism. And of course I feel guilty about that.
I'm thankful that every day is not like this one.
I do experience days of energy, renewal, and offering. Days that are bursting with His presence. Days of undeniable Truth. Days when my coffers are overflowing with good things to give.
And I'm struck by the messed-up-ness of how I feel worthy and legitimate and lovely during days of generosity. And how I feel guilty and inadequate and less-than on the days of nothing.
I'm glad He sees me the same every day. And while I'm not to the place of living and thinking in light of that truth, I can grasp just enough of it to plunk it out on my keyboard. I can say it is true and I pray that my mind and soul will follow suit.
Thinking the truth. Living the truth. That is Freedom. And that is where I want to be. And I am so not there yet...
But I am on my way, one teeny step at a time.
Today I need to receive, even though there is nothing to give. To anyone.
And before I could even finish my post, this promise came to me. A "holy whisper" if you will:
Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
I guess God reads my blog...and He came through for me.